Shadows In a Mirror
by SFGrl
Summary: The gang recalls past events that lead to a present-day crisis. {complete}
1. Everything Changes

It's C/M....shocking, isn't it? There may be some R/R or J/P action, we'll see.   
It's also sad and depressing. Hey, it's rainy, and I'm in a mood, okay? LOL.  
I own none of these characters, though I wouldn't mind owning Mr. Perry.....oh baby.  
  
  
Shadows In a Mirror  
  
~2001~  
The taxi was just sitting on 6th Avenue, stuck in the usual holiday traffic.  
"Dammit," Monica muttered to herself. She paid the driver and got out of the cab.  
It was bitterly cold, and the winter sleet wasn't helping. Monica wrapped her coat tightly   
around her and ran as quickly as she could. She only hoped it wasn't too late.  
  
The hospital doors slid open with a shush, and Monica came flying in, drenched and freezing.   
She saw her friends immediatly, and ran over to them.  
"Any news?" she asked, looking at her brother anxiously.  
"Nothing yet. But the paramedic said it didn't look good. He was there for a long time before..."  
Ross couldn't even finish his sentence. it was all too surreal.  
Monica began to tremble, but it wasn't from the cold. She felt warm, fat teardrops fall from her   
eyes. This wasn't happening, it couldn't be. After everything that had happened....  
It had been 3 years since....Monica shook her head. She had to be strong. She had to be.  
She loved Chandler too much to give up him now. The question was, why had he given up on her?   
Fresh tears began to fall, and Monica sunk down into the plastic hospital chair.  
  
Ross did not know what to do for his sister. He looked at her, trying to figure out what he could  
do to make her feel better. He took Rachel's hand in his, and gave up on his fight to hold back  
his own tears. He felt Rachel tighten her grip, and he closed his eyes, remembering a time when  
he had longed for the happiness that he now had with Rachel. He felt her wedding ring dig into  
his finger, and he loosened his grip. Rachel let go of his hand, and walked over to Monica.  
Ross watched as Rachel tried to comfort her best friend and sister-in-law. He sighed and sat  
down next to Joey.  
  
Joey was staring into space, tears staining his cheeks. Pheobe sat with her head on his shoulder,  
whispering to him that it would all be okay. Joey turned his head when Ross sat down.  
"How could we have let this happen?" Joey croaked.  
"I can't answer that Joe."  
Joey sighed. "I was.....I was thinking about what we were all doing four years ago today."  
Ross thought for a moment. "Four years ago. We were all so different then, huh?"  
"Yeah," Joey answered, though it was clear that his mind was elsewhere. He wanted to think of  
anything but this moment in time. He closed his eyes, trying to block out the smells and sounds  
that permiated his mind.  
  
Ross thought about what Joey had said. Four years was a long time. But he could see every detail,  
as if it were yesterday. He closed his eyes, trying to will himself into another place and time.  
  
  
~1997~  
"Dude, you are gonna be late for your own wedding!", Ross paced frantically in front of his best  
friend's bedroom door.  
"Ross, would you calm down, we have plenty of time," Chandler replied, opening the door and   
patting his friend on the shoulder, "The ceremony isn't for another hour."  
  
Ross was amazed that Chandler Bing, *Mr. Committment-phobe*, was acting so calm on his wedding day.  
No one ever thought Chandler would settle down, and certainly not this soon. Ross took a deep breath  
and smiled, as he followed Chandler out the door and to the church.  
  
*  
  
Pheobe walked into the church, and was immediatly taken aback. It was beautiful. Red and white   
flowers lined the pews, and a deep red carpet covered the centre aisle.   
Candles surrounded the alter, and in the corner a string quartet was busy tuning their intruments.   
Pheobe walked slowly toward the front of the church, just as Ross and Chandler appeared through   
the door behind the alter.  
"Hey guys!" Pheobe exclaimed, "You look so great!"  
"Thanks Pheebs," Ross replied, "So do you!"  
"Oh, this old thing?" Pheobe joked, as she twirled around.  
Chandler and Ross laughed, and played along, giving her the usual "woo-hoo's" and whistle's.  
"So, Chandler," Pheobe said, twirling back to face her friend, "Ya nervous?"  
"Only nervous that I'll fall over," Chandler smiled, "I am marrying the love of my life, how   
could I be anything but totally stoked!"  
Pheobe laughed. She had never seen Chandler so content. She was happy for him, but at the same  
time, she was a little sad. After today, nothing would ever be the same.  
"Hey guys," Joey said, as he came through the alter door, "How does this thing work?"  
He held up his boutonnière, a single red rose, and cocked his head to one side.  
"C'mere Joey," Pheobe said. She took the flower and the straight pin, and grabbed Joey's lapel.  
"So, Chandler, Joey said, as Pheobe fumbled with his tux, "You nervous yet?"  
"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" Chandler said, furrowing his brow, "I'm so *not* nervous!"  
"Okay, okay, geez," Joey said, as Pheobe finished pinning the boutonnière to him, "Thanks Pheebs."  
"No problem," Pheobe replied, as she headed towards her seat.  
"Hey Pheebs," Joey called after her.  
"Yeah," Pheobe turned to face Joey.  
"How YOU doin'??"  
Pheobe laughed and shook her head. Sometimes Joey was just too much.  
  
"Ross, I never got that confirmation for the flight tonight," Chandler said nervously.  
"I got it, I just forgot to give it to you," Ross said non-chalantly, "You guys fly out  
from JFK at 10pm, and land in Bangkok at 1pm."  
"Thanks, man. I appreciate you wrapping up the loose ends."  
"No biggie, Chandler. I know you'll do the same.....if I ever get married again." Ross smiled  
weakly.  
"Don't worry Ross," Chandler said, "as long as you don't let your wife hang out with girls from   
the gym..." Chandler laughed, recalling Ross' past misfortune.   
"Oh, ha-ha-ha," Ross said, "This coming from a guy who gets hit on by more men than Monica."  
"Hey," Chandler was ready to come back with a witty retort, but was interrupted by the minister.  
"We are ready Mr. Bing", the minister said softly.  
"Okay, thanks," Chandler said, as he, Ross and Joey took their places.  
  
The quartet began to play, as the flower girl, and the ring-bearer(Ben), made their way down the aisle.  
Chandler suddenly felt his heart jump-start. "This is it," he thought silently, "after this moment,  
everything changes."  
  
Monica walked into the chapel, taken aback by the beauty that surrounded her. Everything was  
gorgeous. She always thought that crying at weddings was stupid. But seeing the church, the  
people, and the beaming groom, she suddenly felt the tears well up.   
"I guess crying at weddings isn't so dumb after all," she thought, as she made her way down the  
red carpet, and took her place at the front of the church.  
  
The ceremony was short and simple. It went by in a flash, and before Chandler knew it, it was over.  
My God. He was married. He smiled broadly and took his new wife's hand. They turned in unison,  
as the minister annouced them as husband and wife for the first time;  
"Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce you to Mr. and Mrs. Chandler and Kathy Bing.  
  
Part two....someday. Please review!  



	2. Darkness Falls

Okay, so apparently there was a bit of confusion over who Kathy is.....Kathy!   
THE Kathy. You know, TOW Joey's New Girlfriend, TOW Chandler Crosses the Line,   
TOW Chandler In a Box....Kathy! I have to say, and don't hate me, I loved Kathy.   
I thought she was really cool. I am a huge C/M fan, but Kathy rocked.   
  
Okay, here is the next part:  
  
Shadows In a Mirror  
  
Chapter Two  
  
~1998~  
Kathy walked into her and Chandler's apartment, struggling to keep a hold of her multiple  
shopping bags.   
  
"Hey baby," Chandler said, as he exited the bedroom. His eyes widened when he saw her.  
"What are you doing with all those bags? Let me help you!"   
Chandler rushed over and took the bags.  
"Chandler, I'm pregnant, not helpless," Kathy laughed. "Hey! Keep your nose outta those bags!"  
"Why, what's in 'em?" Chandler inquired, trying to peek through the top of an Ambercrombie and  
Fitch bag.  
"Christmas presents....get outta there!" Kathy yelled, ripping the bags from Chandler's hands.  
"Okay okay....hi, by the way," Chandler said, kissing his wife softly. "And hello to you, too  
Max," he said, patting Kathy's swollen belly.  
"So, we're going with Max then, huh?" Kathy laughed.  
"Is that okay? I mean, we both liked it, and..."  
Suddenly, Kathy flinched. "Chandler, feel this!" She took his hand and placed it on her stomach.  
"Wow! He's kicking!"  
"I think he liked the name," Kathy said, smiling.  
Chandler grinned broadly. That was his son in there, kicking away.   
"Maybe he'll be a soccer player," he said, "Or, if he's anything like his grandfather,  
a Rockette."   
Kathy laughed. "Maybe we shouldn't middle-name him Charles," she joked.  
  
*  
  
"Ross, honey, where did you put the wine?" Rachel was running around frantically, trying to  
make sure everything was perfect.  
"Rach, it's on the *wine rack*," Ross called out from the bedroom.  
"Oh!" She turned, pulled the wine from the rack and headed into the living room.  
Ross came in seconds later.  
"Sweetie, calm down, why are you so nervous all of the sudden?"  
"We are about to tell everyone that we are engaged! Aren't you a little nervous over how  
they are going to react?"  
"Well," Ross said, wrapping his arms around his fiance, "I happen to know that they will be  
more than thrilled."  
"Hmm, and what makes you say that?"  
"Why wouldn't they be? They were happy when we started dating...again." Ross smiled.  
"Yeah. Oh! Can you call Mon and have her bring over a few extra wine glasses?" Rachel   
reluctently unravelled herself from Ross' embrace and headed toward the kitchen.  
"Sure," Ross picked up the phone, "Anything else?"  
"A corkscrew! You don't have a corkscrew?" Rachel called out from the kitchen.  
"I did until someone confiscated it when she broke Monica's!"  
"You *knew* about that? Uh, don't tell Monica!"  
Ross laughed, and dialled his sister's number.  
  
*  
  
"So, what are we going to name the baby if it's a girl?" Kathy looked at Chandler, who was   
tapping the steering wheel of their Jetta, impatiently waiting for the light to turn green.  
"What are you talking about? The ultrasonar-thing said it was a boy!"  
"UltraSOUND," Kathy laughed, "And those things are not 100% accurate you know."  
"Geez, you *really* want a girl, don't you?" Chandler grinned, and leaned over towards Kathy.  
"Hey you never know," Kathy smiled, as Chandler kissed her. "The light's green."  
Chandler pulled himself back in front of the wheel and hit the gas.  
  
*  
  
"Well, I've tried their apartment, and I tried Chandler's cell. No answer," Ross sat back down  
next to Rachel.  
"That's strange, it's not like Chandler and Kathy to be late," Monica observed.  
"Well, dinner's getting cold," Rachel said, "Let's go ahead and start."  
"That's what I'm talkin' about baby!" Joey exclaimed, jumping up and heading to the table.  
The other four stood and started to follow Joey. Rachel pulled Ross to the side.  
"What if they don't come? Should we still tell everyone?"  
"Yeah, but let's give them some time. Maybe we should make the announcement after dinner,   
instead of during dinner."   
"Sounds good," Rachel said as they approached the table. "Joey! Save some for everyone else,   
huh?" The group laughed and shook their head, as Joey continued eating everything in sight.  
  
*  
  
~2001~  
  
Rachel took Monica's hands in hers, and looked at her sadly. Monica's eyes were red and swollen   
from hours of crying.  
"Sweetie, maybe you should eat something," Rachel suggested, though she already knew Monica's   
answer.  
Monica shook her head. "I doubt I could keep anything down," she whispered.  
Rachel sighed. She turned and looked at Ross, Pheobe and Joey. They were all just sitting  
there, in their own worlds, unaware of Rachel and Monica's conversation.   
"He'll be okay," Rachel said.  
"You don't know that," Monica replied stiffly.  
"Mon, You have got to keep faith....hope alive." Rachel was trying to convince herself as much  
as anyone. Monica wasn't with them earlier tonight. She hadn't seen what Rachel had seen...  
"I shouldn't have left. I should have been there," Monica cried.  
"This wasn't your fault honey."  
But Monica didn't seem to hear Rachel. She was sobbing loudly, and had sunk back down into   
the chair. Rachel sighed heavily, not sure what to do next. She had to get out of the room.  
She stood up and walked out of the waiting room, and headed for the front desk.  
"Can I help you?" a kindly older woman asked softly.  
"I wanted to see if you had any information on Chandler Bing. He was brought into Emergency  
earier?"  
The woman began tapping on the keyboard.   
"I'm sorry sweetie, I don't have anything just yet. I'll let you know."  
Rachel thanked the woman and walked over to the soda machine in the corner. She fished some  
change out of her jacket pocket and plunked them into the machine. She picked up the Diet Coke,   
and wiped the condensation onto her pants. She was suddenly overcome with an overwhelming   
feeling that she had done this before. Then, it hit her. She *had* been here before, awaiting   
word on Chandler's condition. It was three years ago.  
  
~1998~  
  
Rachel came out of the kitchen, holding two glasses of wine.  
"I think that went well," she said, handing a glass to Ross.  
"I told you everyone would be thrilled. I didn't think Pheobe could scream that loud."  
"Me either," Rachel laughed.  
Ross turned to the window and sighed. "I wonder why Chandler and Kathy never showed up."  
"Maybe they forgot," Rachel suggested.  
"I talked to Chandler about it this afternoon. He asked what kind of wine to bring."  
Rachel shrugged. "Do you think Kathy went into labour?"  
"Well, I suppose it's possible...but she's not due for another month."  
Rachel wrapped her arms around Ross' neck. "I'm sure they will call us tomorrow."  
"Yeah," Ross said, "I just hope everything is okay."  
  
*  
  
Monica sat flipping through the channels, not sure what she was really looking for.  
She sighed heavily. Ever since she broke up with Richard, she spent most nights alone  
in the apartment. It was strange not having Rachel here. She'd been gone for months,   
but Monica didn't feel the full effects of the move until the recent breakup.  
She decided to give up on tv, and flipped it off. She stood up, stretching slowly.  
Maybe she needed to new roommate. She laughed off the idea, thinking about all of the  
training it would require. It took Rachel years to learn the concept of the "phone pen".  
She yawned and headed for bed. As she passed her window, she saw Ross and Rachel, dancing  
in the centre of their living room. Monica smiled. She was so happy for her brother and  
best friend. Her smile faded, however, when she thought about how far away *she* was from the   
alter. She shook her head and went to bed.  
  
The phone woke Monica a few hours later.  
"Hello?" Monica whispered hoarsly, still not fully awake.  
"I am looking for Ms. Monica Geller."  
"This is Monica."  
"This is County General Hospital. I'm afraid we have some bad news."  
  
*  
  
Chandler was aware of the voices above him, but he found himself surrounded by darkness.  
His head was throbbing. Where was he? He remembered talking to Kathy about Max...and then  
POOF! Nothing. Chandler tried to move, but his body wouldn't respond. He struggled to   
open his eyes, but couldn't. The voices faded. Suddenly, he saw a face, directly in front  
of him. It took him a minute to realize that he was looking at himself. But the person he  
was looking at seemed different. His eyes were empty and dark, and he had several days worth  
of stubble. There were creases on his face, making him look much older. If Chandler didn't   
know any better, he'd say he was looking at some kind of evil twin. Then, just like that,  
the face was gone, and Chandler was once again surrounded by darkness.  
  
*  
  
Pheobe came into the waiting room to find that Monica, Ross, Rachel and Joey had already  
arrived. It was strange, she'd just seen everyone hours earlier, but suddenly they all  
looked totally different. A dark cloud hovered over the room, making Pheobe shiver.  
"What happened?" Pheobe asked softly.  
"We don't know anything yet," Ross said, "but the ER nurse said it was bad."  
Pheobe sat down next to Joey, who looked like he'd been punched in the stomach.  
"Maybe it's not as bad as they said," Pheobe muttered, more to herself than to Joey.  
But the overwhelming feeling of darkness surrounded her, and Pheobe knew that this was  
bad. Very bad.  
  
A doctor came into the waiting room 20 minutes later.  
"You are all here for the Bings?" he asked.  
The group stood, and nodded in unison.  
"I'm going to be as honest as I can," the doctor said softly, "This is not good news."  
Pheobe felt her heart jump into her throat. Joey sat back down, and Rachel grabbed  
Ross' hand. Monica stood stoically, afraid to move at all.  
The doctor continued, "They were broadsided by a drunk driver. He was going pretty fast."  
The doctor's voice suddenly changed, as if he was about to tell a secret.  
"Mrs. Bing died on the way to the hospital. We did everything we could to save her and the  
baby, but...." He drifted off, allowing the news to sink in.  
"Mr. Bing's condition is currently stable, but it is, nonetheless, very serious.   
He is in a coma."  
The five friends sat there, dumbfounded by the news. In an instant their entire world had  
been turned upside-down. Kathy, someone they all loved, if for nothing else than because  
Chandler loved her, was gone. Poor Max was taken before he even had a chance to meet   
his parents. And Chandler's life hung in the balance. It was all too surreal.  
  
*  
  
Once again, Chandler was aware of the voices, but this time, they sounded different.   
He recognized them. He could make out two distinct voices; Rachel, and Monica.  
Chandler struggled to open his eyes, but again to no avail. The voices were becoming clearer.  
At first they had sounded muffled, as if they were talking with their hands over their mouths.  
But now he could make out words. His eyes fluttered open, and that's when it hit him-he was in  
a lot of pain.  
  
*  
~5 minutes earlier~  
  
Monica sat silently for several minutes, trying to take in the reality of what had happened.  
She couldn't believe that Kathy was gone. Over the past few years, Monica and Kathy had  
grown quite close. Monica was thrilled when Kathy asked her to be a bridesmaid at her wedding.  
Monica sighed and looked over at Chandler, who was still in a coma. He was going to be devastated.  
She felt horrible for him, losing his wife and son in an instant. She took his hand, and tried  
to hold back her tears.  
"I am so sorry Chandler," she whispered.  
"Do you think he can hear you?" Rachel wondered, as she walked into the room.  
"I don't know," Monica replied, "I hope so."  
"He kinda looks like he's sleeping," Rachel observed.  
"Yeah," Monica stood up to stretch.  
"Mon! He moved! I swear, his fingers moved!"  
"He does that sometimes," Monica replied flatly, "it's a muscle spasm."  
Suddenly, Chandler's eyes opened, and he groaned loudly.  
"Chandler? Sweetie? Rachel, get the doctor!!"  
  
*  
~2001~  
  
Joey looked down at his hands. They were still stained red. He turned them back and forth   
in front of him. He looked down, and for the first time noticed that the front of his shirt  
was stained with blood as well.  
"I'm gonna go get cleaned up," he said to the group, as he carefully pulled a sleeping Pheobe  
off of his lap. Ross nodded in acknowledgement, as Joey walked out of the room.  
Truthfully, Joey was a little relieved to get out of the hospital. He took a deep breath  
and headed for his apartment. He got to the apartment building, and hesitated slightly.  
He walked in, and shuffled up the steps. He concentrated only on getting into his apartment,  
purposely avoiding the apartment across the hall.  
He rushed into his apartment, and headed for the bathroom. He turned on the shower, and set   
the temperature as hot as he could stand it. He took off his soiled clothes and threw them away.  
Once in the shower, he tried desperatly to scrub away the events of the past evening.   
He scrubbed until his skin was raw, but it didn't erase the images that were burned into his   
brain. He quickly dressed and opened the door. Facing Apartment 20, his eyes could no longer   
avoid what he had been trying to in his mind all night.  
The door to Monica and Chandler's apartment, was still wide open, and evidence of that night's   
chaos lay on the floor. Joey began to tremble again. He grabbed the door knob and pulled the   
door shut, then ran down the stairs and out into the winter night.  
  
  



	3. Letting Go

Thanks for all the great reviews....keep 'em up, I love reading reviews....  
  
Shadows In a Mirror, Chapter 3  
  
~1998~  
  
Chandler blinked furiously, forcing his eyes to adjust to the sunlight. He had been in the   
hospital for nearly a month, and although physically he was ready to leave the hospital,  
mentally and emotionally, he wasn't sure he was ready to face the reality that lay ahead.  
"You okay Chandler?" Joey asked.  
"Uh, yeah," Chandler replied, "Hey, thanks for picking me up today."  
"Are you kidding? I'm just happy that you are here, alive and healthy."  
Chandler smirked. Indeed he was alive-and Kathy and Max were dead. His life was never going  
to be the same, and he knew it. He sighed heavily, as Joey led him to the taxi that would  
take them home.  
  
Chandler fumbled with his apartment keys, subconsciously delaying the inevitable. He opened  
the door, and stood in the doorway. The apartment was exactly as he remembered it. Nothing had  
moved. It was as if time itself stood still, and for a brief moment, Chandler expected his  
pregnant wife to come waddling out of the bedroom to greet him. He walked into the apartment  
and shut the door. The silence that filled the air was stifling. Chandler walked around   
the apartment, taking in the emptiness. He walked into the bedroom and opened the closet  
door. Kathy's clothes still hung neatly on the right side of the closet. He pulled one of her  
sweaters off of it's hanger, causing the hanger to rock back and forth on the wooden rod.  
The grinding of metal on wood was the only sound in the room. Chandler put the sweater up to  
his face and inhaled deeply. The sweet smell of Kathy's perfume permiated the sweater, and  
now Chandler's senses. He collapsed onto his bed--a bed he had once shared with the love of his  
life--and cried himself into a restless sleep.  
  
He woke up two hours later, breathless and sweating. He looked around the room, and realized  
that his nightmare was real--he really was alone. He felt the walls of the apartment closing  
in on him, and found it increasingly difficult to breath. He threw some things in a gym bag,  
and left the apartment, wondering if he'd ever really be able to go back.  
  
*  
  
Monica awoke to the sound of someone pounding on her front door. She threw on her robe, and   
turned on the lights in the living room. She checked the peep hole, and when she saw that it  
was Chandler, hurridly opened the door.  
"Chandler, are you okay?"  
"I...I can't stay at my place," Chandler croaked.  
"Oh, sweetie, come in, stay as long as you need to."  
"I'm sorry."  
"No, no, you have nothing to be sorry about. Please, I have an extra room, it's no big deal."  
Chandler sat down on the sofa, hugging his gym bag for security.   
"I just couldn't stay....everything in that apartment reminds me of her, and that she is gone,  
and that she is never coming back," tears were flowing down his cheeks, and his voice began to  
crack.  
"Oh, honey, I wish I could do something to make the pain go away, I really do."  
"It's my fault," Chandler wept, and looked up at the ceiling.  
"What? Chandler, what are you talking about?"  
"I was driving. I wasn't paying attention. Not like I should have been. I was in a hurry,  
I thought that we were going to be late to Ross and Rachel's dinner party. I should have...  
I should have paid better attention to the road...." Chandler buried his face in his hands.  
"Chandler," Monica sat on the coffee table and pulled his hands from his face, "Look at me.  
This was not your fault, okay? The guy that hit you was drunk. This was not you fault."  
Chandler looked at Monica, his bloodshot eyes trying desperatly to take in her words.  
But his heart wouldn't let the words sink in. His loneliness and sorrow only magnified the  
guilt he felt, and he knew that he would never forgive himself.  
  
*  
  
~1999~  
  
Joey scanned the reception hall, looking for Pheobe. He spotted her and headed across the room  
towards her.  
"Pheebs, you wanna dance?"  
"Sure," Pheobe replied, putting down her drink as Joey led her to the dance floor.  
They started to dance, and spotted the bride and groom, dancing closely, smiling at each other.  
"They look so happy," Joey said.  
"Yeah," Pheobe replied, "Do you think we will all find that kind of happiness?"  
"Sure," Joey said, "we are all gonna live happily ever after," he smiled broadly.  
Pheobe smiled. Joey was quite the optimist. Her eyes fell onto Chandler, who was sitting alone  
at the head table, and her smile faded. Not everyone gets their happy ending, she thought.  
  
Monica came up behind Chandler, causing him to jump.  
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare ya."  
"It's okay."  
"Are you alright?"  
Chandler looked at Monica and smiled bravely, "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little sleepy."  
Monica smiled and sat down. The two of them turned their heads and watched the dancing couples  
twirl around the dance floor.  
Chandler sighed. He had gotten pretty good at hiding his depression from his friends. He knew  
that they had grown weary of him and his self-pity, and so he did his best to smile and laugh like  
he used to. He still couldn't understand how Monica had managed to put up with him for so long.  
When she suggested that he move in with her, he was in such a fog of depression and guilt that  
he probably would have jumped off the George Washington Bridge if his friends had told him it was a   
good idea. He had wanted desperately to get rid of the apartment that he and Kathy had once shared.   
While he was grateful to Monica for taking him in, he couldn't help but wonder if she had put her   
life on hold for him long enough.  
  
Monica looked at Chandler, fully aware that he was trying to hide his true feelings. He was trying  
to convince her and the others that he was okay. But they all saw through the facade. Chandler  
looked at Monica, and she smiled at him. He smiled weakly, and went back to staring at the dancers.  
Monica sighed. She wasn't fully aware of what she was getting herself into when she invited Chandler  
to be her roommate.   
  
*  
  
~1998~  
  
"Do you have everything you need?" Monica was standing in the doorway of Chandler's new bedroom.  
"Uh, yeah," Chandler said softly. It was the most he had said all day. She stood in the doorway  
for a minute longer, watching him as he fumbled through his boxes. He had stored most of Kathy's   
things, and consequently had brought over very few boxes. Chandler picked up a photo, and stared  
at it for a long time. He began weeping softly, something he did often. Monica knew that she  
could do nothing to help him while he wept. She silently closed his bedroom door, and decided to  
cook him some Macaroni and Cheese.  
  
*  
  
Two weeks later, Chandler returned to work, and seemed to resume a somewhat normal routine.   
Although he was not his normal, sarcastic, chipper self, his friends took comfort in the fact  
that he had began to get some semblance of his life back. He came home from work one evening  
to find the apartment completely empty. There was a note on the table from Monica;  
  
Hi Chandler,  
We are down at the coffee house, and will be going to get some Chinese food at about 7.  
Come on down if you feel like it.  
Love,  
mon  
  
Chandler put down the note, and decided to take a shower before heading downstairs. It was   
only 6.30, so he knew he could catch everyone at Central Perk. He walked into the bathroom   
and shut the door. After he turned on the water, he turned at looked at his reflection in  
the mirror. He sighed. He looked tired. He *was* tired. He looked much older than he did   
only a few months ago. He looked into his own eyes, and was shaken by what he saw-nothing.   
His eyes were empty. He turned off the water and sat at the edge of the tub, trying to regain   
his composure. He felt darkness fall around him, and he suddenly had no urge to go out and see  
his friends. He opened the bathroom door and walked into his bedroom. He layed down on his bed,  
fully clothed, and pulled his knees up to his chest. He layed there for several hours, not crying,  
just laying in the fetal position, trying hard to regain control of a life that had turned to   
nothing.  
  
*  
  
~1999~  
  
Chandler and Monica stumbled into the apartment, trying to hold each other up, and both failing   
miserably. Chandler collapsed on the sofa, and Monica was right behind him.  
"It really was a beeeautiful ceremony," Monica slurred.  
"MmmmHmmm." Chandler mumbled.  
"When is it gonna be *my* turn," Monica suddenly whined.  
"It will happen Mon. Don't worry," Chandler was happy that they could focus on Monica's problems.  
He looked over at her, and smiled.  
"You really are very beautiful," he said.  
"Aww, stop it."  
"You are. And you are smart and funny and sexy and..."  
"Okay," Monica said, "No, wait....you were saying?"  
She looked over at Chandler, batting her eyes dramatically. Her smile faded when she saw that he  
had fallen asleep. She shrugged and pulled a blanket from the back of the sofa. She cuddled up  
next to him and pulled the blanket over both of them. She was asleep within minutes.  
  
Chandler woke up a few hours later, disoriented and slightly dizzy. He looked down and saw that   
Monica was asleep on his chest. He smiled and decided to try to pull her off of him without waking   
her up. Easier said than done. He pushed her up by her shoulders, and tried to slide out from under   
her. He was now in an even more awkward position. He was stuck under her, his head tilted to one   
side, with her forehead on his chin. He laughed at his precarious situation. Monica squirmed, and  
Chandler tried to stifle his laughter. Monica's eyes fluttered open, and she looked up at Chandler.  
As soon as their eyes met, they started to laugh. Monica tried to get up by pushing herself up onto  
her arms. But her hand slipped off of the cushion, causing their heads to smack into one another.  
Monica rolled off of the sofa, as they both groaned in pain. They sat, rubbing their heads, and  
laughing at how inept they both were at 3 am. Monica stood up, and tried to pull Chandler up, but  
she ended up falling onto the sofa again. She laughed, and looked up at Chandler. He smiled, one  
of his first genuine smiles in over a year. Monica suddenly saw something in Chandler's eyes that  
she hadn't seen in a long time.   
  
Chandler looked into Monica's eyes, and was suddenly mesmerized by the sea of blue that sat, inches  
from his own face. He felt himself begin to tremble slightly, as feelings and emotions that he  
hadn't felt in years began to surface. Chandler placed his hands on Monica's delicate face, and   
pulled her toward him. Their lips touched lightly, and Chandler pulled away, slightly hesitant.  
Monica moved toward Chandler, and initiated the next kiss. Her lips parted slightly, and she  
pressed her mouth against his. The kiss grew deeper, and more passionate, and soon they were   
enveloped in each others arms, kissing each other as if their lives depended on it.  
  
Monica could feel Chandler trembling, and was surprised at how quickly her own heart was beating.  
When they kissed, Monica could feel an energy, a symbiance, that she had never experienced before,  
not even with Richard. She hungered for more, and felt the same from Chandler. Several minutes  
later, they pulled apart, gasping for air. Chandler looked at Monica, and within seconds she  
was kissing him again. Chandler didn't resist-he couldn't. The electricity between them was  
unmistakable. He pushed all of his feelings of guilt and doubt to the back of his head, and   
let his inhibitions go. Monica stood up and took Chandler's hand. He stood slowly, and let  
her lead him into her bedroom.  
  
Chandler awoke suddenly, and immediatly became aware that he was not in his own bed.  
He looked over, and saw Monica, sleeping peacefully in his arms. He smiled, recalling how  
wonderful the previous night had been. His smile faded, when he suddenly realized that   
this was the first time in a very long time that he had waken up next to someone other  
than Kathy. He felt that he had somehow betrayed her. The guilt that he had pushed away   
the night before returned with a vengence, and Chandler felt an overwhelming urge to get  
out of there. He slid out from under Monica, and slipped out into the living room.  
  
Monica opened her eyes, and was disappointed to find that she was alone. She sat up and  
looked around. She wondered if Chandler was regretting having sex with her. She pulled  
on her robe, and set out to find him. It didn't take long. When she opened the bedroom  
door, she saw Chandler immediately. He was sitting on the sofa, with his head in his   
hands. She noticed that he was still wearing his wedding band. Her euphoria suddenly  
disappeared, and she felt the guilt that Chandler was undoubtably feeling. He looked  
up at her, his cheeks stained with fresh tears. She walked over to him and sat down.  
Without a word, he wrapped his arms around her and buried his head into her shoulder.  
She held him for an hour, unsure what she should say or do next.  
  
  



	4. The Crossroads

Shadows In a Mirror, Chapter 4  
Warning; Some content may be slightly graphic.  
  
~2001~  
  
Monica sat at the edge of Chandler's bed, silently listening to his laboured breathing.  
The beeping of the monitors countered the hissing of the breathing machine. Monica sighed.  
She could not believe that she was here again, praying that Chandler would wake up.   
But this time he wasn't getting better, and Monica feared that his luck had run out.   
She unconsciously began humming one of her favourite songs, one that had been playing in   
her head for hours now. She had always thought it was a tragically beautiful song, but   
now, at this moment, as she watched the man she loved slip away from her, the poetry in   
the lyrics felt all too real.  
  
"Hold on.  
Hold on to yourself.  
For this is gonna hurt like hell.  
Hold on.  
Hold on to yourself.  
You know that only time will tell.  
  
What is it in me that refuses to believe,  
This isn't easier than the real thing."  
  
Monica rested her head on Chandler's chest, listening to his heart beat in time with   
the monitors.  
  
"My love, you know that you're my best friend.  
You know that I'd do anything for you.  
My Love, let nothing come between us,  
My love for you is strong and true."  
  
Monica jumped when she felt Chandler move. Realizing that it was only a muscle spasm,   
she took a deep breath, tring to slow down her eratically beating heart. She kissed him   
tenderly and took his bandaged hand in hers.  
  
"Am I in heaven here or am I  
At the crossroads I am standing.  
So now you're sleeping peaceful  
I lye awake and pray,  
That you'll be strong tomorrow  
And you'll see another day  
And we will praise it  
I love the light that brings a smile  
upon your face."  
  
Monica pulled away, and walked to the window, watching as the rising sun began to light   
up the day.  
  
"Oh God, if you're out there won't you hear me?  
I know that we've never talked before.  
Oh God, the man I love is leaving,  
Won't you take him when he comes to your door?  
  
Am I in heaven here or am I  
At the crossroads I am standing.  
So now you're sleeping peaceful  
I lye awake and pray  
That you'll be strong tomorrow  
And you'll see another day  
And we will praise it.  
I love the light that brings a smile  
upon your face."  
  
Monica looked at Chandler, and felt her heart break. He was the love of her life, and   
she now understood the pain that he had been in when he had lost Kathy. She cried not   
only for her, but for him, and for the tragedy that brought them together, and brought  
them to this moment.  
  
"Hold on.  
Hold on to yourself  
For this is gonna hurt like hell."  
  
~1999~  
  
Two days after Ross and Rachel's wedding, Chandler came home to and elaborate dinner.   
He smiled slightly, and placed his briefcase on the floor.   
  
"Monica?"  
"Hi!" Monica chirped, as she entered the living room.  
"What's all this?" Chandler asked, gesturing toward the table.  
"Dinner," Monica replied matter-of-factly. "Sit down."  
Chandler sat down and watched Monica as she served him. She sat down and looked at him,   
and smiled warmly.  
  
"We, uh, we need to talk about what happened the other night," Chandler said softly.   
He had been avoiding the conversation for the last two days, because he was afraid that   
he would hurt Monica's feelings. He took a deep, shaky breath, and continued.  
"I, um, I just wanted to apologize. I feel like an ass for doing that to you."  
"Chandler," Monica took Chandler's hand in hers, "You have nothing to apoligize for, okay?"  
"I feel..." Chandler was having trouble articulating his feelings in his own mind, so how  
could he possibly explain them to Monica?  
"Chandler, it's okay. You can talk to me."  
"I feel like I have betrayed Kathy."  
Chandler's words hit Monica like a boulder. She knew he was feeling guilty, and she knew it   
was because he hadn't let go of Kathy. But hearing him actually say it hurt Monica more than   
she had wanted it to.  
  
"It's stupid, isn't it?" Chandler continued, "I mean, she's been gone for two years.   
Two years! And I am still wearing my wedding band. And I feel guilty for sleeping with   
you. And I shouldn't." Chandler sighed and stood up. He ran his hands through his hair,  
as he paced around behind the couch.  
"I am sorry because I am not being fair to you, Monica. When I made love to you, I wasn't  
giving you my whole heart. My first instinct when I woke up the next morning was to run.   
I felt like an ass for feeling so guilty, and I felt guilty for using you. I care about   
you Monica, and I respect you, but my actions seem to say otherwise." Chandler slumped   
down onto the couch, and put his head in his hands.  
  
Monica joined Chandler on the couch. She looked at him for several minutes, and then   
sighed heavily.  
"I don't regret what happened Chandler. And I don't want you to feel guitly for what   
happened. I know that you respect me, and I know that what happened was..." What did   
happen? Was it a one night fling? Monica knew that there was more there, at least for   
her. But she was afraid that Chandler didn't feel the same way. Chandler looked at her,   
urging her to finish her sentence.  
"I am not sure what happened, actually. But I do know that there was two of us there that  
night, and I know that I am as responsible for my actions as you are yours." Monica saw a   
look flash past Chandler's face, and she immediatly regretted her choice of words.   
Though they both knew that Monica was talking about sex, Chandler couldn't help but to   
recall his actions two years ago. His carelessness had cost him everything, and no matter  
how many times his friends tried to assure him that the drunk driver was totally at fault,   
he couldn't shake the awful feeling that he could have changed things. After all, he was   
responsible for his own actions. He stood up, and scanned the room, as if he was looking   
at it for the first time.  
"I...I need to clear my head," he said quietly, and walked to the door.  
"Okay," was all that Monica could say. She knew he needed space, and, truth be told,   
so did she. She watched as he silently left the apartment, closing the door softly   
behind him.  
  
~2001~  
  
The space that surrounded him was pitch black, and he couldn't see a thing. Yet Chandler  
felt totally at peace. He hadn't felt this way for a very long time. He thought about   
everything that had lead him to this moment, and wondered how he had gotten so jaded, and  
so lost in himself. Suddenly, he felt himself being pulled away from the place where he  
stood. The movement was beyond his control, yet he felt no anxiety. Where was he?  
A soft, red light shone from an unrecognizable location. Chandler scanned the area,   
searching for the source of the light. He finally gave up, and surveyed his surroundings.  
The room was black, and rectangular. It was totally empty, but it was flanked by two  
large, wooden doors, with elaboratly designed brass handles. Chandler resisted the urge  
to open one of the two, and instead stood in the centre of the room, and waited, though  
it occured to him that he had no idea what he was waiting for.  
  
~48 hours earlier~  
  
Chandler walked through Central Park, soaking in the afternoon sun. He smiled to himself,  
as he thought about the anniversary plans that he had made for him and Monica. He was  
looking forward to the evening, and silently wished the sun would start setting a little  
faster. He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts, he didn't see the four year old boy  
running toward him.  
  
"Whoa there, little guy," Chandler said, as the child slammed face-first into Chandler's  
shins.  
Chandler crouched down and looked at the boy.  
"You okay?"  
The boy nodded and looked at Chandler, smiling broadly. It was then that Chandler saw it.  
The boy had piercing blue eyes and curly auburn hair. He looked so much like...her.  
Chandler shook off the eerie feeling and stood back up.  
"Where's your mom?"  
Just then, a frantic looking woman came running over to them.  
"Max!" She yelled breathlessly, "Max, sweetie, don't you ever do that to me again!"  
The woman turned her attention to Chandler, "Sorry about that. He just took off running!"  
"It's uh, okay," Chandler said. "So, his name is Max?"  
"Yeah. I'm Susanne."  
"Chandler."  
"Thanks again Chandler."  
"No problem," Chandler muttered, as Susanne and Max wandered away. Chandler watched them  
go, and saw Max turn and look at him, before walking out of sight.  
Chandler sat down on a nearby bench, trying to collect himself. It was just a coincidence,  
he told himself over and over. But the image of the boy stuck in his head. His son would  
have been Max's age by now. Chandler was unaware of the tears that fell down his face.  
Suddenly, the heartache that he had once thought was long gone hit him like a speeding semi,  
and the world around him seemed to disappear.  
  
*  
  
Monica called the machine again, listening carefully to the message Chandler had left her  
that morning. She was definitely at the right restaurant. She put down the cell phone  
and sighed. Two hours was long enough. She grabbed her purse and stormed out of the  
restaurant.  
  
She opened the apartment door to find Chandler sitting on the sofa in the dark.  
She slammed the door and turned on the lights.  
"Would you like to explain to me WHY I spent the last two hours sitting in a restaurant  
alone?"  
Chandler looked up suddenly, as if he had just become aware of Monica's presence.  
"Huh?" was all he could say.  
Monica's face went crimson. "Are you kidding me with this? Where the hell were you Chandler?"  
Chandler blinked himself back to reality. Oh no. What time was it? He looked at his watch.  
It read 10:35. He looked up at Monica, who was fuming.  
"Mon, I am SO SO sorry. I...I can explain."  
"Then explain," Monica said icily.  
Chandler relayed the events of the afternoon to Monica. He told her about the boy, and  
about all of the feelings that had been going through him since the encounter. He ignored  
the tears that fell down his face, and watched Monica's reaction to the story carefully.  
When he finished, Monica sighed, and sat silently for what felt like an eternity.  
Finally, she stood up.  
"Chandler," she said slowly, "I can't do this anymore. I am tired, and I feel...."  
Her voice trailed off, as she tried to find the right words.  
"I can't live in the shadow of a ghost anymore."  
Chandler went pale. He wasn't expecting this, not at all.  
"Monica, I...I love you, you know that."  
"But Chandler, you can't seem to let go of the past. Look, you know that I am sorry  
about what happened to you, but it was four years ago. I can't keep doing this.  
You tell me this story, about this little boy, and I am supposed to be okay with the   
fact that you stood me up tonight. On our anniversary! Well, I am not alright with it  
Chandler, and quite frankly, I am not really sure that you are ready to make me your  
top priority. Tonight proves that."  
  
"Monica," Chandler whispered, "I am so so sorry."  
  
"I think we jumped into all of this too quickly. Maybe you need to be alone for a while.  
I...I am gonna go stay with my parents for a few days. I need to clear my head."  
Monica stood up and walked to the bedroom, to begin packing.  
  
Chandler sat on the sofa, and didn't attempt to stop Monica. She walked past him without  
a word, and closed the front door softly behind her. She was devistated that he didn't stop  
her, or argue with her, or chase after her. He just let her go. She fought off the oncoming  
flood of tears, and hailed a cab.  
  
Chandler sat on the sofa, taking in Monica's words, for three hours. She was right.  
He was not giving her his whole heart. He layed down on the sofa and stared at the ceiling.  
How had it come to this?  
  
The early morning sun shone on Chandler's face, waking him from an uncomfortable slumber.  
He had tossed and turned all night, and had finally come to the realization that he needed  
closure. He needed to get rid of the pain, and the guilt and the heartache that he had  
built up over the past four years. He sat up, and walked to the bathroom. It was then   
that it occured to him that Monica was really gone. He was so out of it the night before,  
that he hadn't noticed, really. But as he scanned the bathroom, he saw that there was   
nothing there that belonged to her. How long was she planning to be away? Chandler  
felt a new pain in his heart-he had now lost Monica too. He looked at his reflection  
in the mirror, and despised what he saw looking back at him. The man in the mirror looked  
older, tired, and lifeless. There was no sparkle in his eyes, and no smirk on his face.  
He was 31, yet he looked more like a 50 year old. He hated the person that he saw looking  
back at him, hated what he had become. Chandler balled his hand up into a fist and  
swung it at the reflection. The mirror shattered, and shards of silvery glass went everywhere.  
The larger peices fell into the sink. Chandler picked up a large, jagged peice of glass,  
and looked at it carefully. He looked at his hands, and saw blood dripping down the sides  
of his palm. It was strange, he felt no pain. He held the peice of glass in the palm  
of his hand, and closed his hand on it. More blood flowed from his hands, yet he still   
felt no pain. Chandler was facinated by this. How could he whine about small paper  
cuts, and not feel a thing when he held a peice of broken glass? Suddenly, the glass in   
his hand popped, and he felt pieces of glass pierce his skin. Still, he felt no pain.  
He picked up another piece of glass, and ran the sharp edge along his arm. Nothing.  
No pain. He didn't even panic when he saw his own blood flowing from his arm at a rapid   
pace. He felt nothing.  
And then everything went black.  
  
*  
  
Joey walked into Monica and Chandler's apartment, and was surprised to see that no one was  
there. He opened the refridgerator, and began the quest for food. Ross and Rachel walked  
in a few moments later.  
"Where's Monica and Chandler?" Rachel asked.  
"I dunno," Joey replied, his head still inside the refridgerator.  
"They were probably up all night 'doing it'," Phoebe said, as she walked into the apartment.  
"Ew, Pheebs," Ross said.  
"I gotta pee," Joey said, and closed the fridge door.  
"Were we supposed to get them an anniversary gift or something?" Pheobe asked.  
"You never get me and Ross gifts," Rachel countered.  
"Ross and I, sweetie," Ross said, attempting to correct Rachel's grammatical error.  
"Ross, for the last time, you are my husband, NOT my grammar coach!"  
"Oh sweet Jesus!" Joey screamed, and he fell backwards from the bathroom doorway.  
"What's wrong, Joe?" Ross asked.  
When Joey didn't answer, the three friends walked over to see what Joey was staring at.  
There, in the small, darkened room, they saw Chandler, lying facedown in a lifeless heap  
on the floor. The black and white checkered tiles were covered with blood, and shards  
of broken glass covered the sink, toilet and floor.  
Rachel passed out, and Phoebe began screaming. Ross immediatly swung into action.  
He picked up the phone and dialled 911. He ordered Joey to put Rachel on the couch,  
and get Chandler out of the bathroom. Joey, who was numb from shock, simply did as he  
was told. As he dragged Chandler out of the bathroom, he could hear Ross trying to talk  
to the 911 operator, while Phoebe started to yell for Monica.   
  
~1999~  
  
Chandler opened the door to the apartment quietly, figuring that Monica would be in bed.  
It was a quarter past 12, and he knew she had to work in the morning.  
But Monica was not sleeping. She was sitting on the couch in the dark, weeping silently.  
Chandler walked over to her, and without a word took her into his arms. They stayed that  
way for several minutes. It was Monica who finally pulled away. She looked into Chandler's  
eyes, and smiled softly.  
"Mon, I'd be kidding myself if I thought that the other night didn't mean something to me.  
It meant a lot. And if you are willing to be a little patient with me, I think I am ready  
to move on. What do you think?"  
Monica didn't say anything. She couldn't. It was at this moment that she realized that she  
was in love with Chandler. She was so overwhelmed by this discovery, that she was unable to  
speak, or even move. Chandler looked at her, waiting for a reaction. When she gave none, he  
pulled away, figuring that she had decided that the whole thing was a mistake. He was waiting  
for her to ask him to leave, to find his own place. He walked away from her, and was about to  
go into his bedroom to pack, when he heard her cry out to him.  
"Chandler!"  
He turned, and saw that she had fresh tears in her eyes. She walked over to him and put her  
hands on his face. She pulled him into a kiss. But not just any kiss, it was The Kiss.   
The kiss that everyone waits their whole life for, the one that sends shivers up and down   
your spine.  
This kiss said more than words ever could. Chandler melted into Monica's arms, and it was   
then that he knew. His life would be forever different. He could love Monica forever.  
If only he could let go of his pain, guilt and anger. He had to do it. He had to let go-  
for her. For her, Chandler would do anything.  
  
~2001~  
  
Chandler stood in the darkened room for several minutes, wondering what to do next. Suddenly,  
one of the doors opened, and a women walked through it, closing it softly behind her.  
Chandler's knees went weak when he realized who it was.  
"Kathy," he whispered.  
"Hello Chandler," Kathy said softly. Although she was standing in front of him, her voice  
sounded distant.  
"What...how? You're dead. You died 4 years ago."  
"I know."  
"Am I dead?"  
"No. Not yet."  
"Then where am I?" Chandler looked around the room again.  
"You are...at The Crossroads," Kathy replied.  
"The...what?"  
"The Crossroads. It's time for you to make a decision. Behind that door," Kathy pointed  
to the door that she had come from, "is eternity."  
"And behind the other door?" Chandler asked.  
"A lifetime."  
"I don't understand."  
"You need to decide what you want to do. You can come with me now, or you can go through the  
other door, and spend a lifetime with a woman that loves you very much."  
"Monica."  
"You love her Chandler, but you don't love her completely. If you choose to go through that  
door, then you need to let go. Let go of all of that guilt that you have inside of you.  
You didn't do anything wrong that night. It's time for you to let all of that go, Chandler.  
It's time for you to let *me* go."  
"What if she doesn't want me? I really screwed up this time, Kathy."  
"That's a chance you have to be willing to take. If you love her, you need to prove it.  
You need to fight for her."  
"But what about you? And baby Max?"  
"We will always be with you. But you can't stop living your life because we're not there with  
you. You were lucky enough to find love again, Chandler. Don't let it go. Monica can  
make you happy, if you will just let her."  
Chandler shook his head. "I...I'm just not sure."  
"Well," Kathy said, as she headed for one of the doors, "both doors are open to you, and there  
is no wrong answer. The choice is yours. Follow your heart."  
Chandler suddenly found himself alone again. He looked at both doors. Behind one door there   
was Kathy, and eternity. An eternity free of the pain and guilt of not only losing his wife  
and son, but of losing Monica to his own selfishness. He could walk through that door, and   
she could move on, and find someone that could make her happy.  
But behind the other door, was Monica. The pain that he felt still existed, and he would have   
to really work through that, and try to convince Monica that what they had was worth fighting   
for. He knew that Monica loved him, and he realized that she was worthy of much more love than   
he had given her thus far.  
If he chose that door, he would need to love Monica with all of his heart and soul.  
  
Chandler made his decision, and opened one of the doors.  
  
*  
  
Monica had fallen asleep on Chandler's chest, and awoke with a start when the monitor alarm   
started beeping loudly. Within seconds, several nurses and a doctor were in the room.   
One of the nurses led Monica to the hallway. Monica could hear the doctor yelling, and she   
began to cry.  
Large machines were being rolled into Chandler's room, and nurses were running in and out.  
Phoebe, Joey, Ross and Rachel heard the commotion, and came running out into the hallway.  
The door of Chandler's room opened, and a nurse exited. As the door swung shut, Monica heard  
the doctor's voice echo through the room;  
"Time of death, 11:49 pm."  
  
**********  
  
Chapter 5 coming soon!! 


	5. Shadows In a Mirror

I know, I am evil, mean, and wrong for leaving you all hanging like that.  
I have come to terms with the fact that I AM going to Hell. ;-)  
Disclaimer: I own none of these fine people. The song in the last chapter was "Hold on",   
words and music by Sarah Mclaughlin. The title of this fic and the lyrics in this chapter,  
"Shadown In a Mirror", words and music by Chris Isaak. Now that I have covered my ass,   
we can continue.  
  
***Shadows In a Mirror Chapter 5***  
  
Shadows In a Mirror  
I'm watching somebody's heart break in two.  
And wondering if somewhere you're crying too.  
Shadows in a mirror tell me that I'm wrong.  
Shadows in a mirror, tell me that we're through.  
  
I'm watching somebody's world at an end.  
And wondering if someday we'll love again.  
Shadows in a mirror tell me that I'm wrong.  
Shadows in a mirror, tell me that we're through.  
  
  
Oh and I, I still need your love.  
I can't see my life darling without you.  
Shadows in a mirror, shadows in a mirror.  
  
  
I'm watching somebody's world at an end.  
And wishing that somehow we could love again.  
Shadows in a mirror tell me that I'm wrong.  
Shadows in a mirror, tell me that we're through.  
  
  
Oh and I, I still need your love.  
I can't see my life darling without you.  
Shadows in a mirror.   
  
****  
  
"Time of death, 11:49 pm."  
Monica was sure she was hearing things. Chandler was not dead. He couldn't be. There was still  
so much that needed to be said. She shook her head, in an attempt to stop the echoing of the  
doctor's voice in her head. It was not true. She would not accept this.  
Moments later the doctor came out of Chandler's room. The look in his eyes said it all.  
He had that look, the one that doctor's get when they have bad news. He was grim, and he spoke  
softly.  
"I'm sorry. We did all we could."  
Monica continued shaking her head.   
"No, no no no no! You are wrong! He is not dead! He is stronger than you can possibly know!"  
She ran past the doctor and into Chandler's room.  
  
**  
  
Joey came around the corner, and saw Monica, in tears. The doctor came out moments later,  
and told them that Chandler was dead. Joey's head suddenly felt light. He vaguely heard Monica  
screaming at the doctor, and before he knew it, she had disappeared into Chandler's room.  
Joey leaned up against the wall, trying to gather his thoughts. Images of the day's events  
flashed through his head. The image of Chandler on the bathroom floor; the image of him lying  
lifeless in the kitchen, as Phoebe and Ross struggled to save him; but the image that stuck was  
Joey's last conversation with Chandler, just hours before they'd found him:  
  
**Earlier that day**  
  
"Hey man," Chandler walked into Central Perk, and took a seat on the couch next to Joey.  
"Hey, Chandler. Whoa, you're in a good mood."  
"Yep." Chandler smiled wryly.  
"What's up?" Joey asked.  
"What are you doing tonight?"  
"Uh, I had a couple of dates...but it turns out they knew each other so...they're a little  
pissed at Joey."  
"Oookay. Hey, yu wanna do me a huge favour?" Chandler asked.  
"Sure. Wait, do I have to be naked?"  
"What? No. I uh, just need you to set up the apartment while Mon and I are out to dinner."  
"Oh, the big anniversary!"  
"Yep."  
"Sure, I can do that."  
"Kay. I'll leave all the stuff at your place, and I'll leave written instructions."  
"Alrighty. Man, I am so happy that you guys are doing so well."  
"Yeah." Chandler said dreamily.  
"You are really lucky to have found two women that love you so much. I wish I could find..."  
"Joey, I think I know where you are going with this...so stop it."  
Joey chuckled. "Yeah baby."  
"Anyway," Chandler said, "I gotta get going. Thanks for doing this, man."  
"No problem. I'll uh, swing by in the morning, to see how it all went."  
"So, you'll be wanting breakfast?"  
"Hell yeah!"  
Chandler laughed. Joey was certainly one in a million.  
"See ya Joe."  
"See ya man...have fun!"  
  
**  
  
It was such a normal conversation. Like the thousands of conversations that they had had   
before. Of course Joey had totally forgotten to set up the apartment, because one of his two  
dates had called. But it wasn't like he hadn't flaked on Chandler before.  
He had actually thought about trying to avoid Chandler the next day, just in case.  
He never thought that he would find his best friend half-dead on the bathroom floor.  
What he couldn't understand was how Chandler had gone from being on Cloud Nine, to being so  
depressed that he became self-destructive, in a matter of hours. It just didn't make any sense.  
  
**  
  
Phoebe had a horrible, forboding feeling in the pit of her stomach. Something was wrong.  
Out in the hallway, she could hear commotion, and voices. One of the voices was Monica's.  
She followed Ross and Rachel out into the hallway. Monica was crying, and Ross immediatly went  
to comfort her. Phoebe knew what was wrong long before she saw Monica crying. When the doctor  
came out of Chandler's room, she heard nothing that he'd said. She saw Monica run into Chandler's   
room. Phoebe watched, as each of her friends broke down. They were all weeping. Phoebe  
wasn't crying. Not because she wasn't sad. She was sad. She was sad, angry, and disappointed.   
She was sad that she had lost one of her best friends. Sure, she teased Chandler, and she often  
said mean things to him, but in her heart, she loved him dearly, and losing him brought back a  
pain she hadn't felt since her mother's suicide. She was angry that Chandler could do this to  
them, especially to Monica. How could he be so selfish? And she was disappointed that she  
would never get to see Chandler again. She would never be able to tell him how much he really  
meant to her. She prayed silently that he already knew.  
  
**  
  
Rachel was sleeping, or trying to anyway. Everytime she closed her eyes, she would see nothing  
but a replay of the day's events;  
  
She woke up on the couch, relieved that it had all been a horrible nightmare. But then she heard   
commotion on the other side of the couch. She sat up, and saw Ross and Phoebe crouched over   
Chandler, with Joey pacing nervously behind them. So it wasn't a nightmare after all.  
She got up slowly, still a little dizzy from hitting the floor so hard. She walked around the couch,  
and was horrified by what she saw. There was blood everywhere. Her first instinct was to run   
into the bathroom. But halfway there, she realized that she couldn't go in there. In fact,  
she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to go back in there.  
Chandler made a small groaning sound, and Rachel turned her attention back to the horrid scene.  
Ross was yelling, trying to get Chandler to wake up. Phoebe was cursing the ambulance for taking   
so damn long, and Joey was seated on a chair, crying softly.  
Rachel walked over to Joey, and stood behind him. She wrapped her arms around him and told  
him it would be okay.  
*  
"Rachel!"  
Rachel's thoughts were interrupted by Ross, who was shaking her lightly.  
"What is it? Is he awake?"  
"I don't think so," Phoebe replied flatly.  
It was then that Rachel heard the commotion. She jumped up, and she and Ross followed Joey out   
into the hallway. As soon as she saw Monica, she knew. Ross let go of her hand, and walked over  
to Monica. Rachel watched in horror as the doctor emerged to give the bad news. All of the   
sadness, anger, pain and sorrow that Rachel had been feeling since that day began finally  
hit her, and she broke down crying. She had never lost someone like this, someone she was  
so close to. And she wasn't even as close to Chandler as Ross, Joey and Monica were. She   
couldn't even imagine the pain they must have been feeling.  
  
**  
  
Ross stared at his sleeping wife, and thought about all of the things that he was thankful for.  
He had a beautiful wife, who loved him. And he had great friends. He had always thought that  
nothing truly horrible could happen to them. But then Kathy was killed, and everything  
changed. Chandler was never the same, and Ross sometimes found it hard to hang around with  
him. He often felt guilty for feeling that way. Looking back, Ross felt that he should have  
been more supportive. He was happy when Chandler finally started acting a bit more like   
himself. Now he wondered if everyone had pushed him to hard. Maybe Chandler wasn't ready to  
let go. Maybe he was doing it so that they would all feel comfortable around him again.  
  
Under any other circumstance, Ross would have been furious that Chandler and Monica were dating.  
But he could see that Monica was good for Chandler, and he seemed to make her happy. So he  
wondered what had happened to change all of that. Things had been normal for a while, then  
suddenly Monica is off at their parent's house, and Chandler...Ross shook his head. This was  
just too weird. Suddenly, there was activity in the hallway, and Ross saw Joey jump.  
Ross woke up Rachel, and followed Joey out into the hallway. When he saw Monica, his heart  
broke. She was a wreck. He quickly walked over to her, and pulled her into a hug. The doctor  
came out of Chandler's room, and looked at them all sadly.  
  
"I'm sorry. We did all we could."  
  
Monica freaked out. She pulled away from Ross, and started screaming. Ross didn't know what to   
do. He watched as Monica ran into Chandler's room.  
  
**  
  
Monica flew into Chandler's room, shutting the door behind her. The room was blurry.  
She rubbed her eyes, and walked toward Chandler. He looked like he was only sleeping.  
Monica took his hand, and put her head on his chest. She closed her eyes, and started  
sobbing silently.  
"I love you," she whispered between sobs.  
"I thought we could get through this. I thought we could get through anything. I don't know  
how to do this Chandler. I don't know how to do this without you. Even at your weakest,  
you were *my* strength. I can't live without you in my life."  
Monica sat up, and looked at Chandler.  
"So you see, you have to wake up. You can't leave me. This wasn't supposed to happen.  
Wake up Chandler. Wake up!"  
Monica again melted into sobs, and fell against Chandler's chest.  
She stopped sobbing, and sighed deeply. Then she heard the whispering.  
She didn't look up, because she knew it was her friends.  
"Can you guys just give me a few more minutes, please?"  
When there was no reply, Monica turned toward the door. There was no one there.  
She shook her head, and looked at Chandler. She took his face in her hands, and kissed  
him softly on his lips, and his forehead. It was then that she heard the whispering again.  
  
**  
  
Chandler walked through the door, and was immediately blinded by a bright light. He held his  
hand up to his face, and squinted. Then, the lights dimmed, and he once again found himself in  
total darkness. It was silent for a long time. Dammit, which door did he go through? He was  
sure about what he wanted, but now he was wondering if he chose correctly. Where was he?  
Suddenly, a voice echoed through him. He looked up, and tried to listen to the voice.  
The voice was hard to hear, but the more Chandler listened, the clearer it became.  
It was Monica.  
"Wake up, Chandler. Wake up!"  
"Monica," Chandler whispered, "Where are you?"  
But she wasn't talking anymore. She was crying.  
"Monica," Chandler tried to talk, but he felt nothing coming out.  
"Can you guys just give me a few more minutes, please?" he heard her say.  
What? Who was she talking to?  
"Monica?"  
  
**  
  
"Chandler?"  
Monica looked up, and saw Chandler's lips moving.  
"Chandler, sweetie, I am right here. Open your eyes. Please, please open your eyes."  
Chandler groaned slightly, as his eyes fluttered open.   
"Monica?" he croaked. Damn, his throat was dry. And his lips burned. They were so chapped.  
He needed water. The light was hurting his eyes.  
"Shh, sweetie, don't try to talk okay?"  
"Mon...where am I?"  
"I'll be right back, okay?"  
"Mon," Chandler whispered, but it was too late. She was already out the door. Where was she   
going? Damn, he really needed some water.  
  
**  
  
Joey was now sitting on the floor, leaning up against the wall. He was totally numb.  
Pheobe came and sat down next to him.  
"Tell me this isn't happening Pheebs."  
"It isn't supposed to happen."  
"What?" Joey looked at Phoebe.  
"This is not how it's supposed to happen. Chandler was supposed to live a long long time."  
"Really."   
"We all are."  
Before Joey could respond, Monica came running out of Chandler's room.  
"I need a doctor! Somebody! Please!!"  
"Whoa, Mon," Ross said, grabbing his sister by the shoulders, "What's going on?"  
"He's awake! Chandler is awake!!"  
"What?" her friends said simultaniously.  
Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Joey all jumped and ran into Chandler's room. Meanwhile, a passing  
doctor was accosted by a frantic Monica.  
"You're a doctor, right?"  
"Last time I checked."  
"Come on!" Monica said, dragging the doctor into Chandler's room.  
  
**  
  
Monica awoke with a start. Her neck hurt from sleeping in a strange position. The room was  
dark, and the winter wind was rattling the large picture window. Monica stood up  
and stretched slowly. She pulled her chair closer to Chandler's bed, and sat down.  
She sat there, for several minutes, just watching him sleep. Everyone else had left at about  
1 am, after they were all certain that Chandler was alive, and was going to stay that way.  
Monica sighed softly. She couldn't believe how close she had come to losing him. She had  
felt such a range of emotions over the last 48 hours. She had gone from euphoric to angry to  
sad to mad, to devastated to happy. She was exhausted, but at the same time, she was too  
anxious to sleep. So she just sat in her chair, watching Chandler sleep.   
  
Chandler had the feeling that he was being watched, and when he opened his eyes, he was happy   
to see that that someone was Monica. He smiled warmly and reached for her hand.  
"Hi there," Monica said softly.  
"Hi", Chandler whispered. His throat was still hurting. The doctor had explained that his  
throat would be sore for a few days, due to the breathing tube that they had been using on him.  
"How are you feeling?"  
"Like I've been sleeping for about four years," Chandler replied.  
"You gave us quite a scare, you know that?"  
"I'm sorry."  
"Well, I am just happy that you decided to come back."  
"I mean, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry that I have been so selfish. I'm sorry that I   
haven't loved you as much as you deserve to be loved. I'm sorry that I broke your bathroom  
mirror."  
Monica sat there, tears welling up in her eyes. She finally saw the light in Chandler's   
eyes, the light that had been missing for the past four years.  
"I love you. I love you so much."  
"I love you too, Monica. I love you more than I ever thought I could. I don't know what has  
happened to me, but I do know that no matter what happens, I can get through it, if you are  
with me."  
Now Monica was full-on crying, as she leaned over and kissed Chandler passionatly. He pulled  
her onto the bed, and wrapped his bandaged arms around her. They layed in silence for  
several minutes. Finally, Monica sat up onto her elbow.  
"You broke my mirror?"  
  
**  
  
Ross, Phoebe, Rachel and Joey decided that they had better try to clean up the mess in the   
apartment before Monica saw it. But when they got the the warmth of the apartment building,  
they all realized just how tired they were. Before any significant amount of cleaning could  
be done, they needed a nap.  
  
**  
Monica talked to Chandler for a few more minutes, but it soon became clear that he was struggling  
to keep his eyes open. Soon after he fell asleep, she decided that she really needed to sleep  
in her own bed, if only for a few hours. She slipped out of Chandler's room and headed home.  
  
It felt strange to be back in the apartment building. She had only been away a few days, but  
so much had happened, that it felt more like a year had passed. She made her way up the   
staircase, and up to the second floor. She fumbled around for her keys, only to discover that  
the door was already open. She walked in, and was shocked by the sight before her.  
  
There, on the kitchen floor, was Rachel...and she was actually...cleaning.  
  
"Rach, what the hell are you doing?"  
"Mon! What are you doing here?"  
  
Ross and Phoebe came out of the bathroom, with cleaning supplies in their hands.  
"Hey Mon."  
"What are you guys doing?"  
Before anyone could answer, Joey came into the apartment.  
"This is all the stuff I have," Joey said, carrying a mop and a bottle of Windex.  
  
Monica looked at her friends, and started laughing at the scene before her.   
She didn't know why she was laughing, it seemed to be out of her control.   
Her friends looked at her like she was insane. When she had finally collected herself, she  
sighed heavily. It occured to her that her friends were only trying to protect her. The   
apartment was in horrible disarray, and there was something all over the floor. And then it  
hit her. This was where Chandler was when they had found him. She walked over to the bathroom,   
and pushed open the door. Ross tried to protest, but Monica did not hear him.   
Chandler had broken the bathroom mirror, and, although Ross and Phoebe had managed to pick up   
most of the glass, Monica was astounded by the mess that had been left.   
Her obsessive-compulsive side was freaking out, but at the moment, her rational mind and heart   
were keeping her calm.   
"Chandler must have been in a very dark place," she said more to herself than to anyone else.  
The journey ahead was going to be tougher than she had realized. But Monica knew that if they  
took the journey together, she and Chandler could get through this. Together, they could get   
through anything.  
  
***  
I'll possibly write another chanpter, depending on interest.  
please review!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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